Grief and anger and despair.
A cocktail of unhappiness that we have been sipping for a while now.
Because things weren’t looking good.
I was calculating which toys would go with the little ones when they left.
I was thinking which of their clothes would go because of the changing season and which would just be boxed up for Goodwill.
I spent minutes of every day convincing myself that two children would be better, easier, less stressful and well…easier.
And it was working. A little. Enough at least that I was becoming convinced that I was becoming convinced.
Turns out it it was all a lie. (No surprise there. Not really.)
I was not actually buying my own bullshit.
And I know this because in the past two days there has been a little light in the darkness. It is shining weakly but it is there.
And I had no idea how much I needed that light. Wanted that light.
Here’s hoping it gets brighter.