My eyes leak

I used to make fun of my mom.
She got teary over sappy Hallmark commercials.
I used to snicker behind her back, and then as a teen, to her face.
What a sap!

And in this regard above any else I can claim with confidence.
“I have become my mother”

It started with the birth of my first and cemented itself with the loss of my fourth.
Ever since my drug ridden days of unhappiness and heartache… I am a crier.

Now I don’t just burst into to tears without being induced (don’t ask my husband’s opinion on that one). I cry at things like poignant blog posts. commercials. sad stories on the news.

You know. REALLY sad stuff.

But this is not stuff that would have made me cry before. I was made of sterner stuff pre-kids.

I guess what they say is true –
Having a baby changes everything.*

*This commercial campaign? Always brings on tears.


Courtroom Drama

We went to court on Friday.

And it was brutal.  (not for us, but still…)

No change yet but the winds are blowing in our direction.

I can’t help feeling just the slightest twinge.

For mom.

She left the courtroom in tears.

Rightfully so.  The judge and the child advocate ripped her up, down, and sideways.


The judge listened to all the protocol requests, read between the lines, and made her ruling based on case history and facts.

Reaffirming my belief that I was born to be a judge.

Anyway.  Mom asked for 4-6 hour extended unsupervised visits.


Mom asked for consideration for the holidays – she wanted her kids with her on Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween.


Dad asked for unsupervised visits.


Dad asked for longer duration of visits.

Denied.  And his overall visits were cut in half.  Every other week now instead of every week.

Dad left the courtroom in a huff.

I feel no sympathy for him.  Nothing but anger. 

And so…I am dangerously close to believing we may get to keep these kids.

Dangerous grounds these.

Treacherous grounds.

Break your heart open if you let them, grounds.

And I am bravely stepping into them.

This weeken we started making plans that don’t start with if… (if we still have the kids, then this.  If we don’t have the kids then, that…have been the norm.)

January is the next court date.  This is the date they will change the goal to termination, if that’s what happens.

Fingers crossed.

I am no longer ambivalent about this.  These are my kids.

I just hope the judge agrees.


By the way.  Best. court. scene. ever.

It had suspense, drama, emotion.  There were people yelling, there were tears and even some humor.

Couldn’t make a movie scene that good.

Life is sometimes so much more interesting than make-believe.

If I didn’t have so much invested in it, I am sure I would have enjoyed it thoroughly.