A Pregnant Pause

We have heard no news on the adoption front.  So, we are still waiting.

The good news is that unlike our other children, I am not uncomfortable and just soo ready for the pregnancy to be over.  I am being patient.  Mostly.

And confident in what will come.   Because I know that what will come will be unsettling,  unexpected and I know that I am wholly unprepared.

And I am confident that there is nothing I can do about it. I do not have an answer to any of the what if questions that are being thrown my way.  I can’t.  And so I try not to worry about the things I can’t change…

Acceptance.  Ahhhh…

So I decided to write a little about my adoption experience so far.  Because, boy have I been talking about it.  explaining it.  Answering for it.

First let me say – I am not doing this because I am a good person

There.  I just needed to get that out.  I’ve been feeling falsely self righteous lately.  All the comments have been going to my head.

I am not doing this because I feel that I am somehow bettering the life of one child who would otherwise have a shit life.

I am doing this for purely selfish reasons.

I want another child.  Just like my first children, I am my major motivating factor.  me.me.me.me.me.

I want a bigger family.  I want my kids to have a bigger family.  I want another person to love.  who loves me.

I want this child.

All the other stuff?  The stuff that makes people look at me with their heads tilted and say “I could never do that, but good for you”. 

All of that is just gravy.  I know that ultimately, I am in fact helping.  Yes, I will in fact help a child that might otherwise have a shit life.  But really, that’s just a side effect.

And for the people who look at me like I am insane?  Like I have completely lost my fucking mind?

Yeah, you’re right.

Nuts.  Both my husband and I.  Completely certifiable. 

But it’s a good kind of crazy.  I hope.

I also hope you had a happy turkey day and that your holidays to come are bright, shiny and filled with love.  Just as holidays should be.


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