Guilted Cage

guilt-300x299I have the uncanny ability to lose friends.  I mentioned this recently and I have been thinking about it as some of these long lost friends pop up on facebook AS THOUGH THEY NEVER LEFT.

So, there once was this girl named Jenn.  She and I became good friends because we lived together in a “transfer house” at college and even though we were’nt roomates.  We were friends.

We ate lunch together, took classes together.  Hung out on the weekends together.

Got really drunk together.

You know, friends.

One day toward the end of our first year as, FRIENDS, she knocked on my door in tears.

She was pregnant!

She was pretty far along too because the stupidest doctor in the world was her OB/GYN and even though Jenn had thought she was pregnant and returned to the office THREE TIMES to be checked, this woman doubted it.  And ran stupid tests.  And doubted it again and put her on stupid medicine.  And just for shits and grins, doubted it some more and ran some more tests.

So by the time they admitted that, yes, Jenn was in fact pregnant, she was carrying a pretty fucked up fetus.  Confirmed by, you guessed it – more tests.  So she was forced to endure a late term D&C.
They inserted something inside her the night before that was not too pleasant to help “stretch her out” and I held her hand the whole time.

We rented horrible movies, cried a little, laughed a little.  And sat silently together.  As friends.

And then the next morning I drove her to the clinic.  And I waited for her.

And then we repeated the day before.  But we added alcohol and considerably more tears.

And then, because we were friends…the next year we decided to room together with two other girls.

And somewhere along the line it came out to her boyfriend that she had had an abortion.  (yep, same guy) And he came to me in tears asking me how I could have let her do that without talking to him about it.

Now.  It was on the tip of my tongue to mention that the same week she went to have the procedure she also found out that he had borrowed her car to visit a girl at a neighboring school and proceeded to have sex with her IN JENN’S CAR!

But I didn’t.

I just told him that they hadn’t  been in the best place then, and since she is coming to him now, they are obviously in a much better place.  And I counseled him.  And all seemed fine.

I was both supportive and a counselor.  In a word – FRIEND.

Months passed.

And then.

I did something I don’t know about and can’t fathom that made her hate me.

As in, staying at her boyfriends house for the last month of our lease because my presence was just so horrible – hate me.

To this day, I have no idea what it was.

She never said a thing.  She never asked a thing.  We never fought, argued or even disagreed.

She was just gone.

And  I was just guilty.

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