Today is a day to remember loss. October 15 – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.
And for me it’s no different than the past few weeks. Because I remember loss every day.
And yesterday, maybe my internal clock new today was coming, I started feeling it.
I mean really feeling it.
Because before yesterday I could say with positive conviction that “I am just glad to still be here”.
And that is still true.
But it’s also not the whole truth.
I am glad to be here. But I am sad too. Soul sad.
Sad for the second little baby I will never get to meet.
Sad for the family we planned for that we will never have.
And I am sad for the finality of it all. That was it. My last pregnancy.
So, I will never have that redemption child. That baby that somehow makes all of this if not all right, at least, better.
At least, somehow making this just the dark before the light.
But there will be no light. Not for me. Not for my family.
And while I am trying my best to focus on the good. Sometimes, I choose not to.
Instead I allow myself to feel the bad stuff. The loss and the grief.
And today seems like a good day for that.
I feel like I should edit this to add that I know that even as I am sad, that I am still luckier than some. I have two little ones at home. I have a husband who loves me, etc.
But I am not going to do that. Because today is not about them. It’s about the other ones. The ones I lost.
And all the stuff that isn’t good, or happy or even simply, not sad.
Today is about loss.
And today I am feeling a little lost myself…