Preventative Maintenance

My car needs an oil change.

Or, so it keeps telling me as I drive through my day.

The first reminder is gentle. “Change Oil Soon”. It comes on once and goes away with one click.

Then the car turns on the big guns. And uses a word like “Required”.

And.

won’t.

go.

away.

My car needs an oil change. And I know this. And like everything at the moment it will just have to wait.

Wait for time, energy and money.

I have none of those things at the moment. So like most everything in my life at the moment. It will wait.

Despite it’s obnoxiously worded warning.

Despite the ever present-ness of the reminder.

Wait it will.

But.

I had this idea as I stared at this little green sign while waiting in traffic this morning.

And here it is:

Whenever I get the oil changed in my car, I am getting a massage.

Or a pedicure/ manicure.

Something indulgent and just for me. Something that costs money but is SO worth it to the overall performance of…well, me.

Preventative Maintenance, every three thousand miles.

Required.

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The could have been…

For those of you who don’t know, I had an ectopic pregnancy last year that ended in a ruptured fallopian tube and an extended stay in the hospital.  I wrote this to the little soul that visited with me so briefly because I needed to.  I am adding it to my blog because I want to.

I know many women who have suffered loss.  And I feel like sharing and talking about it makes it so much easier.  This isn’t something shameful that should be whispered in private.  This is why I am happy to explain to strangers that my tatoo represents my children – a flower for my son, one for my daughter, and for the child I never got to meet – a bud.

I assume you had a
heartbeat
Since you continued to
grow
In your hostile world

Incorrectly placed
Poorly planned
unplanned

But not unwanted

I assume you had a soul
And from the moment I found out
about you
we spoke
In whispered words of urgency

I implored you 
To get out

Before you killed me

And I am sorry we will never
Be
sorry for your passage
And the fact that you will never know
my love 

I am sorry that you knew only
The cruelty
Of my body’s expulsion

And I am sorry that I never got to
Enjoy you
Want you
Love you
Hold you 

And I am sorry
That you became just a note in my
Medical record

And waste
to be disposed of

I am so sorry to have
missed you
miss you
I am sorry to regret
the only experience
I had with you
regret

And to show my sorrow
I choose to wear you
Always

In the scars that mark
your removal from my body

And in the art that
Adorns my shoulder

You sit as part of my forever
next to your brother and sister
In my heart

Forever
you are
Part of me
my flesh
my soul

But not part of
my life
And for that
I will always be
sorry

iphone pics 0810 043